Question:
My husband and I seem to be constantly fighting but
never resolve our problems. While the fights are often
trivial matters, we still become very angry. We love
each other and are both committed to the marriage.
What can we do to stop the fighting?
Answer:
All married people argue from time to time, so it's
unreasonable to assume some fighting may not to
occur. The important factor is how these disagreements
are handled. Any couple (or individual) having difficulty
handling emotions caused by the stresses of everyday
life should seek counseling from a qualified professional.
The goal should not be to determine a "winner" but to
reach a satisfactory solution for all concerned, with a
minimum of emotional pain. The following guidelines
might help you reach agreement more quickly.
1. Limit the conflict to the here and now. Never bring
up past failures, since they should all have been
forgiven long ago.
2. Eliminate the following phrases from your
vocabulary: "You Never" or "You Always"; "I Can't
(instead substitute "I Won't"); "I'II Try" (usually
means I'II make a halfhearted effort but won't
quite succeed); "you Should" or "You
Shouldn't" (which are parent-to-child statements).
3. Consider the Bible instructions for married couples
(Eph. 4: I Cor. 13). This will help avoid becoming
depressed and discouraged, which only worsens
marital conflicts.
4. Remember, conflict resolution is what is most
important, not who wins or loses. I f the conflict is
resolved, you both win. You are teammates, not
competitors. Before you start practicing thee
ideas, keep in mind two basic principles. First, be
sure you accept your mate unconditionally; decide
to love him despite his minor flaws, whether or
not he changes. Second, choose happiness and
peace for yourself by determining to practice some
form of guidelines, even if your husband does not.
Answered by: Dr. Robert Rice